why I left nyc

my story with new york didn’t exactly have a happy ending. a few months ago I decided to hand off my lease in williamsburg and go nomadic for a while, starting with a few months in san francisco. I wanted my goodbye to new york to feel heartfelt and optimistic, but instead it mostly felt rushed and numb. and in an ideal world, I never would have said goodbye to new york at all.

something I’ve written about is a desire for long-term friendships and stability. the first two years I had in new york I craved that, and then for about a year and a half I finally had it and I wanted to keep it that way forever, and I was sure that me and my good friends were all gonna stay in the same place until we got old—except that another year or two later, I felt about as alone as I had felt when I first moved here.

to be clear, I had an amazing life in new york. I had hundreds friends and acquaintances, I was hosting regularly, I had a variety of different interesting communities I was a part of, and I loved my roommates. and yet somehow, four and a half years into my time there, I would often go to sleep thinking, “what kind of life have I setup for myself here, and why do I feel so alone?”

I think the version of me from a few years ago would have hoped that after five years in new york, I would be so settled, have such deep roots, that the prospect of moving wouldn’t even cross my mind. but instead, I somehow felt like all the work I had put in to building friendship and community just…didn’t amount to much. let me try to explain what I found unsatisfying about it, while also recognizing that despite all this I’m still one of the luckiest people in the world to have the amazing friends and communities I have—

in new york, everything felt transient. I constantly met new people, only to never see them again. everyone packs their social schedule, which makes it hard to make spontaneous plans, and some people pack their schedule with multiple social activities in a single night, which makes it hard to have the slow, several-hours-long hangouts I prefer. despite all the work I did to create social spaces that were not just about drinking in dark and loud spaces, it still felt like the “center of gravity” for social life was drinking in dark and loud spaces. I hosted tons of events, but the overlap between “my close friends” and “people who attend my events” was frustratingly small. I had friends in very different worlds, which is nice—but it felt like the worlds they were in were too different, and trying to host one big party where all my friends would be in one place seemed like a recipe for awkwardness, and people not really “getting” each other.

the transience was what got to me. I’ve always wanted something very simple: a small group of close friends that I see consistently, week after week. friends I feel comfortable just sitting with. friends I can make my stupid absurdist jokes with, friends who will prioritize me by setting aside an entire evening rather than just “let’s catch up between 7-8pm three tuesdays from now.” I had a semblance of that kind of community in new york for a while, but by the end of my time there it was nonexistent.

now the question is—what do you do about this? you’ve found yourself in a situation where you don’t have the consistency and depth of connection you want. there are two strategies: start where you are and make incremental improvements; or blow everything up and start from scratch.

for the longest time I was implicitly trying the “incremental improvement” strategy, and at some point I gave up. I still believe that at the end of the day, this problem is in my control, if I’m willing to put in the effort. there is a parallel universe where I actually did create exactly the kind of community I wanted in new york, and I’m still there. it’s just that building such a community takes effort. and between my work, my hobbies, and the various other preoccupations and interruptions in my life, I did not have much energy left for building and maintaining a close-knit community of best friends. ¹

and this is where san francisco came into the picture. I came here for a month this year to try it out, and I was surprised to find that I somehow felt more at home here than I did in new york. hosting and making plans felt less effortful than it does in new york because people were open to making plans last minute, and people were down for “slow, relaxed” hangouts that might take up an entire afternoon or evening. also, more of my friends here are into the exact same things I am (writing, meditation, obscure intellectual rabbitholes), and the circles feel small enough that even when I bring together friends from different worlds, there’s enough common ground to have interesting conversations. I was enjoying my visit so much that I even pushed back my flight to nyc to get an extra weekend here.

that month in SF showed me that maybe it’s time to try out the “blow it all up” strategy. that, as disappointing as it is to admit, I never ended up building the “deep roots” I wish I had in new york. the life I had built for myself was something I was willing to let go of.

so now I’m in SF, at least for the next few months. I handed off my new york lease and got rid of all my stuff, and found a sublet here. rather than insisting that any one place is the place I’m gonna be for the next decade, I’m leaning in to being a bit untethered for a while. the end goal is still to find a place and community for the long haul, but I’m no longer insisting that I have to know where that place is right now.

however long I stay here, I want to make the most of it. I want to make every place I go to feel like home, whether I’m there for a weekend or for a year. I want to be “that annoying guy who keeps inviting you to things / asking you to hang out,” at least until I feel like I’ve found some consistency in the people I see.² I want to prioritize my closest friendships and not spend all my time doing “quick catchup over coffee” with people I only see once a quarter. I want to befriend people who are down to be silly and goofy. I want friends I can grow with, friends who are willing to be there for me, but who are also willing to challenge me. ³

even with the frustrations about friend-making that I’ve written about, I can see just how incredible my life already is. there are a large number of amazing people in the world—some of whom I already know well and some of whom I haven’t met—and I have the chance of building lifelong friendships with a small number of these people. I work remotely and get to live where I want, I can use the internet to connect with people and share my thoughts, and some people are actually willing to listen to me and join the conversation. I am young, healthy, and free. and I know that with the passage of time I will find the community I’m looking for.